Today I want to talk a little about the predator. I say 'a little' because what I do not know about the predator far far outweighs what I do know. But... I did manage to pick up a few bits of information here and there, which I'd like to put to paper (well, to white surface anyway), for future use, for sharing...
First off, what is the predator? The predator is a part of my psyche, an internal construct if you like, whose mission in life is to destroy me. That's right. The enemy is inside the gates (was it ever anywhere else?)... By destroy I mean eliminate from my life any joy, peace, serenity, satiety, satisfaction, inspiration and connection, and ultimately directly or indirectly cause my death. Over the years and my contacts with the predator I have come to the conclusion that it is not particularly interested in my physical death (it suspects, I suspect, that my physical demise might bring its own). Rather, it is the candle of my soul life that it wishes extinguished, and it is particularly disgusted by and hateful towards the child in me (the gentle, innocent, creative, inquisitive part).
What does the predator look like? I have found the classical European fairy tales I heard as a child to be particularly useful as a guide. You know, the way you take your mushroom book with you on a mushroom picking hike (unless you are like me, and only ever pick the two kinds that you know for sure for sure for sure will not hurt you) (or you are like pretty much everyone in this beautiful country I live in, and you believe mushrooms are both terribly dangerous AND terribly fragile and must be protected at all costs, i.e. you don't pick mushrooms) (enough about mushrooms already) (wish I had chosen another nature guide category... Berries! You know, the way you take your berry book with you on a berry picking hike...).... Well, on my hikes through the landscapes of my life, I have found fairy tale books to be extremely useful guides for identifying and tracking the predator.
(speaking of fairy tale books, have you seen this fantastic wordless take on Grimm's tales? It's quite quite wonderful, and to be found in the public library)
In my life, the predator takes on the following shapes:
- The Big Bad Wolf: This is when I wake up in the dead of night from a terrible nightmare of running, fleeing, hiding, being hunted down, arrested, tortured, quartered and murdered, etc. When my mouth is dry, when my heart beats wildly in my throat, when my chest feels numb and cold and empty as if the terrible beast/dark creature/evil man of the dream had come straight out of me and torn my heart from my chest, probably to serve it raw to the evil queen. Sometimes, I feel that way during the day, without even closing my eyes. This too is a sign that the predator got me....
- The Snow Queen: 'Stop that crying right now, you big baby! Stop it! Stop all this slobbering feeling nonsense right away! Stop it right now! Or no more kisses for you! Never, ever, do you hear me?!?! No more kisses for you...'
- The Evil Step-Mother (usually with help from her daughters): 'Who told you you have a right to rest, to sleep, to eat?? To enjoy yourself??!!?? My girl, you must be utterly mad. You are here to serve, to serve, to serve. To serve me, and her, and her, and her, and him, and him, and him, and him. Serve. So keep your nose to the stone, keep your hands moving, there is much to do before the ball!!! What?!!? You want to go to the ball??!! My poor child, who would ever look at you? You look like shit. Have you seen your hair, your face, your dress!!!?? You, at a ball??!??? How silly... well, don't just stand there!!! There are sandwiches to make, floors to sweep, I want my nails done, come and read me a story, move, move, move. We haven't got all day!!!'
- Blue Beard: 'Listen kiddo, if you get curious, if you look under the carpet, if you dare to ask the living question, or look where the blood is seeping through, I will take away everything you care for, and tear you apart, limb by limb by limb.'
- The Cunning Devil: 'Oh you poor thing! You are having such a hard time... Let me help you! I have something here (red shoes, gold, a shining mirror, a magic carriage), it will make everything easy for you. You will never again feel (tick as appropriate):
*hungry/*tired/*thirsty/*frustrated/ *confused/*sad/*angry/*disconnected
You will never again have to work hard, or walk long distances. I will make your life perfect. Right here. Right now. With my magic wand. It's not expensive, it's not difficult, all I need is for you to (tick as appropriate):
*sign right here (without reading the small print)/*give me your soul/*give me your child (oops, that was the small print, sorry, printing error, printing error, printing error!!!!)'
....
How do I know I have my paw stuck in the predator's trap? This is a most important question, and the fairy tale books don't talk about it much. I don't know the whole answer (far from it), but I know some...
I know that whenever I feel empty, hollow, overwhelmed, despairing, hopeless, victimised, terrified, stressed out, numb, anxious, frightened, angry, enraged, disconnected, rushed, in a hurry...
Whenever I think that I am no good, I am too weak, I am too slow, I am too little, life is too much, I have too much on my plate, I have to do the impossible, there is no way out, there is NO WAY OUT, we will all perish, the end will come soon, the end is here, I will lose everything, I am in danger, my children are in danger, I have reached a dead end, there is no hope for me, I will never manage, I might as well be dead...
Whenever I believe that the problem/the issue/the danger is out there: it's the system, the government, my upbringing, my mother, my father, the neighbours, my friends, the city council, my boss, my clients, my children, my enemies, my clients, the tram driver, the jew-haters, the communists, my ex-husband, the voters, the non-voters, the healthcare system, the educational system, some other system, my son's best friend, the kitten (YES, damn it, I knew it, IT IS THE KITTEN!!!!!)....
Whenever I believe that the solution to the problem/the issue/the danger is also out there (in the system, the government, etc..) (won't even mention the kitten...)...
... then my paw is in a trap.... some part of me has been captured, taken hostage, by the predator.
What else? The predator does not want me to experience genuine love, joy, peace, vitality and connection. Instead it wants me to constantly tweak my body, my relationship, my days, my children, my home, my career, my friends, my Facebook page in search of something vaguely shiny and always shifting that looks from a distance (the only place you ever see it from) like it might almost (especially if the light is right) resemble some poor artist's drawing of love, joy, peace, vitality and connection.
The predator does not want me to look at the predator (clearly (as in 'look at it clearly' AND 'clearly, it doesn't want me to look at it'... oh, language!!...), so it keeps my eyes steadily focused on 'out there' stuff.
How to defeat the predator? Clearly (again?!?), this is not a one-time battle. Luckily the book is specific and precise on what you need to succeed:
Gentleness, innocence, kindness (in the stories the child, the main target of the predator, is also the only one who ever manages to get the better of it), in spades and buckets.
Curiosity.
Clear seeing.
Love, much of it.
Faith, and divine or magic protection.
Help from the body. Help from the animals. Help from the trees. Help from the moon, and the sun, and the sea. Help from the witch.
Courage.
Strength.
Suppleness.
A good friend or two.
Enough sleep. Enough food. Enough water.
How do you know you have managed to escape (for now)? Because life will be life again. Some lovely, some yucky, all of it manageable. Because there will be a scar, but you will not be broken (you did not die, you did not die...). Because the body will be joy, or sadness, or peace. Before moving out of that, into whatever it will be next. Because you will feel yourself breathe. And breathing will be delicious. Because nothing will have changed and everything will be different. Because the monster will turn out to have been the shadow of the curtain, the big bad wolf the neighbour's grumpy puppy, the evil queen your mother-in-law with a cold, the devil the insurance company guy, blue beard your tired husband. For now. Because there might be a dance, a tune, a drawing, a painting, a song, a poem, a blog post, an idea, that will bring delight. And that you will not need to hold on to for dear life. Because the babies' heads will smell like wild flowers, and wild flowers will look like babies' smiles.
Because you will feel yourself breathe. And breathing will be delicious.
(to be continued... as soon as I know more)
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